Friday, November 26, 2010
Essay 2
When I first finished the second research essay, i realize that i'm not actually touching the points that i was aiming for. I found a lot not grammar errors and structure errors, but also miss use of vocabularies that would throw off the readers. through the process, i only compared my own idea to wests article, i wasn't sure if we need to put the comparison to another article in the paper; which might be a mistake too. Over all, i would give myself a 3 out of 4, I'll need more time to work on this. For the peer readers, i wish it can be focused editing on the idea and sentence structure errors. I probably will have to set up a meeting at the TLC that will help me on this essay.
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Here are the links to the videos. Watch the first link first. And I'll email you a copy of the marked up essay since the format won't translate into a comment. You can see it in the video though.
ReplyDeleteC:\Users\Kylie\Desktop\Academic Writing\Yun_review_pt_1.swf
C:\Users\Kylie\Desktop\Academic Writing\Yun_review_pt_2.swf
Here's the written readers review, although I think the videos will be more helpful.
ReplyDeleteHey Yun :). So good job with your essay, I made you some little videos because I think they’re ten times as helpful as just written stuff. But I will write as well since that was the assignment.
It’s clear that you are looking at your own blog, but then what is not as clear but I’m guessing at-- is that you’re looking for usages of social languages in your blog to point to what kind of identity you’re exhibiting. So you might want to look at your intro paragraph and make sure that you’re being clear on what you’re going to be doing in the essay.
You mention discourse models, socially situated identities, and situated meanings but I didn’t see any places in your paper where you specifically pointed out any of these in your blog. You do cite evidence from your blog of identity, but you’re not using those three methods that you kind of say you’re going to with the table and such. So you might want to rethink your method a little bit.
Switching back and forth between saying “my own blog” and then referring to yourself as “the author” is pretty confusing in some places. You might want to find a different way to handle how to refer to yourself, or make it more clear when you refer to yourself as “the author” or “him” that you’re actually talking about yourself. It’s confusing because you have previously said “I” so then when you say “he” it makes the reader think you’re talking about two different people, yourself and someone else, when really you’re talking about yourself.
I didn’t see much use of the article you were supposed to research in your essay, so you might want to try to incorporate that more.
Readers Review
ReplyDeleteOverall, your essay is good. You integrate and frame other sources and quotes very well, and I understand what you are arguing and all of your arguments. With that in mind, you have an excellent thesis. It is very clear what you intend to write about. However, you may want to tweak your overall intro. I found it a little confusing, and though I eventually understood it, it shouldn’t require any sort of effort for comprehension from the reader. Beyond that, the one other major issue I found in your essay was your movement from the first to third person perspectives in the analysis of your blog. It can get to be really confusing, I often thought “Wait, wasn’t he just referring to the blog as his own?”. It’s your own blog, you should be speaking of it as your own, not someone else’s. Because of this, for being an essay where you analyze your own blog, it sounds awfully disconnected.
Yun, it wont let me post your readers review as a comment, the file is to big. So I posted it as a blog post on my blog! You can check it out there and I will send it to you as well with you edited essay!
ReplyDelete